Splatter Paint

Splat! Working on a splatter painting is a kind of therapy. It's like reconnecting with your six-year-old self and throwing paint on the walls (only this time you won't get yelled at). I love the feeling of waving your brush around and running your thumb along the edge to get paint anywhere and everywhere on the canvas. It's not a science, it's random and chaotic. You never know where the paint is going to go next.

Lately I feel as though my life has resembled a spatter painting. Everything feels chaotic and random, like I'm just tumbling wherever the wind blows. Time management and I have been avoiding each other for quite some time now, but it seems like we are about to have a head-on collision. I want to be productive, I feel like I am, yet the list of things that I have to do only gets longer and longer. I can't get ahead and a lot of the things I do get done I seem to be doing poorly on.

It's a vicious cycle: going to class, doing homework on campus, going home and doing more homework and going to bed. Yet everything continues to pile up and then I have a ton of studying/ catching up to do in a few days time. I've been missing life group every other week and missing the Well a lot too. Sometimes it just seems like  life is moving right along without me and I'm running- trying to catch up.

Part of me thinks I just need a break from school, and the other part of me wants more hours in the day so I can get everything accomplished. More than anything though, I just want to go back to being me. I want to go back to what I love doing.

I want to write. I have so many unfinished stories on this computer and in my head that are screaming for attention. I'm starting to dream about my stories over and over again, and last night I even dreamt of a new plot line for another one. That's a sign right?

I want to paint. There are about six canvases in my drawers right now and a ton of leftover paint I haven't picked up since Christmas. There's a picture on my phone of a painting I've wanted to recreate for almost two years and plenty more to choose from on Pinterest.

I want to read. I used to love reading fiction even more than I loved writing it. When a book I wanted, like Harry Potter, came out I would lock myself in my room all day just to finish it, sometimes even longer. I miss the way I would get lost in a fantasy world and rewrite scenes in my head to use in my own stories.

The list goes on and on. I want to be able to watch football ALL day on Saturday. Not just Alabama, but all the SEC games and maybe even some other ones if I'm feeling crazy. I want to break out the salsa, velveeta cheese, and a bag of Tostitos and toss a football on the couch while I watch the games. I want to take a volleyball and serve, pass, and set over and over and over. I miss the way it makes my arms red, I miss the feeling you get when you dive for a ball. I miss hanging out with my precious friends and doing crafts or baking together.  I miss working out at the Rec and feeling my body getting stronger and healthier.

Most of all I miss my heavenly father. I miss having that relationship that I could cling on to and rest in. Whenever I was at the end of my rope, when I was stressed to the max, He would always find a way to fill me back up so I could keep moving forward. Lately I've put him on the back burner and tried to do things on my own, with my own strength. It's funny sometimes how you can learn a lesson a thousand times and still have to learn it a thousand more. When am I ever going to realize that only God can give me peace. Only he can fill me up when I've got nothing left to give. Only he can SATISFY. His power is made perfect in my weakness.

Maybe it's not that I need to take a break from school or that I need more hours in the day. Maybe it's just the fact that I need to abide in Him. Give him everything that's going on in my life and rest in the fact that He is in control. I know God has placed the desire to paint, write, and play within me for a reason. He has blessed me with the talent and ability to do each of them. I think once I find my identity in Him, he will remind me and show me who he created me to be.

In my eyes, my life is a splatter painting. My canvas ranges in many colors, shapes, and sizes with no sense of pattern. I can not see where the next spot is coming and how it will affect the rest of my life, but God can. He can see the patterns forming- how every single speck of paint is on my canvas for a purpose. God can see the final painting because He is my creator, and I am His masterpiece. In Him, I can enjoy the chaos around me, knowing that he is in control, and He is forming my life into a beautiful work of art.

Let's do life together, shall we?

There's always uncertainty when it comes to the first post isn't there? Not quite sure of where to go with it, not wanting to turn people away at the first meeting. Well, let's be real. We all have our outlets and mine is writing, always has been and always will be. I want to pour out spiritual truth and what God has been doing in my life. I want to share my struggles and passions and ignite a fire within each of you to discover your faith and your own identity in Christ. I also just want to be a girl and talk about life and every facet of it. So here goes nothing. Let's do life together; covered by His grace and abiding in His love.