My Hero

Everyone has a hero. Someone they look up to, someone they depend on. Whether they're real or fiction. This person isn't perfect by any means, but they do the best they can with what they have and for some reason it stood out to you. 

Mine is my Grandaddy. He's no super hero; he doesn't wear a cape or fly around saving the world. But, in a way, he's saved me. If you ask my best friends who my hero is, they will definitely say my grandaddy. I tend to talk about him a lot.The first thing I always tell people about him is that he's a pastor. Then if I bring him up later they might say "oh yeah, he's a preacher right?" No, he's a pastor. You see, to me there's a load of difference. A preacher is just someone who comes and gives a sermon and then leaves. You can walk around in your hometown and find preachers on street corners giving sermons. I'm not saying preacher has a negative connotation, because it doesn't. My point is that a pastor is so much more than a preacher. If you look up preacher in Webster's dictionary you'll find the definitions of preach:

: to make a speech about religion in a church or other public place : to deliver a sermon

: to write or speak about (something) in an approving way : to say that (something) is good or necessary

: to write or speak in an annoying way about the right way to behave

If you look up pastor in the dictionary you'll find this: 

: a spiritual overseer

: a shepherd 

A pastor invests in his congregation. He invests in the lives of the people around him. He becomes their overseer, their shepherd. He is their guide. My Grandad didn't just preach on Sunday morning and Sunday night and leave. His time was spent visiting people in their houses, nursing homes and hospitals. It was spent calling members on the phone to see how they were doing, and serving them the best he could. I cannot recall a single time that I visited one of his churches that several people have not come up to me and told me what a blessing he was. When we go through the drive through at the bank he is greeted warmly with "Hey Brother Noman!", when we make a stop at the Piggly Wiggly he knows the teenagers that work there who also greet him the same way. It's like a epidemic. Everywhere we go when I'm visiting, somebody knows him. I've even come across people where I live now that remember him when he pastored here over twenty years ago. My grandad still keeps in touch with them. When he introduces me to the people at his church he tells me their names, the names of their children, what sport their children play, where they go to school, the list goes on and on. They aren't just faces to him. They are people, they are his flock whom he dearly loves. 

He is a servant. If I could describe him in one word, that would be it. He isn't happy unless he is busy helping someone. The joke around my house is if anything is broken just wait for his next visit so he'll have something to fix. He is constantly seeking out the needs of others and trying to meet them. Whether that be to help my brothers study for a bible exam or my mom fix the kitchen sink. It's a gift that he has been blessed with unlike anything I have ever seen. 

He lives it. There are a lot of people who can talk Christianity but don't actually walk it. Including myself. The truth is without my Grandaddy, I would probably think it was hopeless. I have never been surrounded by spiritual mentors: those who are older than me, who I can go to with questions and look up to on how to live out my life for Christ. When I look into my future I get scared because I don't have all the answers. I don't know what it's like to be headed by a spiritual leader so I have no idea what a biblical marriage relationship is supposed to look like. What does true sacrificial love look like? What is reckless abandon for the Lord? What does living a life of service and putting God first look like? I had no idea. However, in the last few years especially, I have seen all these things and more in the life of my hero. 

He is love. A few years ago tragedy stuck my family. My mema (his wife) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This hasn't been the first health issue she has had. For as long as I can remember she had daily migraines. I remember her never being able to go putt putt or the movies with us because her head always hurt. Then came strokes, and heart surgery, and finally her memory. It has gotten progressively worse. Now she can barely utter words, and she can't function without constant care 24-7. It is heartbreaking to watch, but it is also beautiful. My grandad still looks at her as if she is the most beautiful woman in the world. When he walks in the room he still greets her with "sweetheart" and kisses her cheek. He has given up freedom to be her caretaker and feed her and bathe her. 

He gave up being a pastor. 

When she got worse he decided that instead of going ahead and putting her in a nursing home, he would retire and take care of her until he was no longer able to do so. When asked about it my grandad commented that she had to put up with so much more from him. After all, he didn't plan to be a pastor when they got married. How could he not be there for her when she was there for him? Sacrificial love. Biblical marriage relationship. 

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.  

1st Corinthians 13:4-8

If there is any kind of love that mirrors that verse, it is the love my grandad has for my mema. It is the love he has for my family. It is the love he has for the people around him. He means so much that his congregation still cooks for him and brings him meals twice a week. When we went down there for Christmas around five couples came with enough dishes to feed us for two weeks if we wanted. You see, I don't think he will ever give up pastoring. He will always be a shepherd; even if it's just for me and my brothers. He will always serve those around him and visit people in houses, nursing homes, and hospitals when he can. He will always be someone that others can look to for guidance. He will always be a spiritual leader. He will always be a servant of God. 

And he will always be my hero. 

My Wayward Child

Today I became a junior at the University of Alabama. Ahhh!!!! That's both so exciting and so scary at the same time. Scary in the sense that I don't want to grow up. I never have. I don't want to take on new responsibilities and have so much depending on me. For a girl who has been set on and being independent my whole life, I'm really not very comfortable with it. The thought of being out on my own, outside of the world of academia scares the crap out of me. 

Yet, it's also exciting. I'm halfway done with college! I've made it! I'm alive! Maybe, an overstatement, but yo college is for real. Especially when you're a CS major who never programmed before freshman year. I didn't even know what programming was my senior year of high school. Heh. My, how things have changed. 

Sophomore year is done; it's finished and there's no going back. So you know what that means....time for another cliche "what I've learned this year" blog. Sorry ya'll, but reflection is cleansing sometimes. 

IDENTITY

For so long my identity was laid on my grades and the approval of others. When I received bad grades, or I thought other people didn't like me I was immediately crushed. God has graciously stripped me of some of that this year. My school standing has always been my rock; it's what I've always been good at. When that began to shake, I felt like my world was falling to pieces. 

I don't have to work for approval anymore. My identity is not based on anything of this world but on God. My identity is daughter of the living God. I am HIS. My relationship with him is not based on anything I do. It's not a wage to be earned but an inheritance to be RECEIVED.  My acceptance is not performance based; that's slavery. What God offers is freedom in Christ. 

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.Now we call him, “Abba, Father." For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. ~Romans 8:14-15

DEPENDENCY

We were NOT created to be independent! This statement about knocked me over the head during spring retreat this year. My whole life, I have been striving to be independent. To be able to rely on my own strength and not need the help of others. To do things my way. My dad has raised me with the goal on being self-sufficient. We are both wrong. The truth is we were meant to be COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY dependent on the Lord. I mean it makes sense now that you think about it. He provides all of our needs, our joy, our contentment, even our very breath. He's the only reason we are breathing at this very moment. It's intuitive, but so incredibly hard to live out in today's world that strives for independence and rebellion. But, it's even more than that. We were created to be dependent on each other. To carry each others burdens and encourage each other. God never meant for us to try to do life alone. He made us for community. This still completely blows my mind. 

REDEMPTION

This year has also been a year of getting to know myself and my tendencies. I tend to be rebellious. When I'm told to do something, my immediate reaction on the inside is no. Over the years I've learned to quiet my rebellious thoughts because I was quite the smart mouth as a child and my parents would punish me whenever I let one of my comments out. They still come out every once in a while as my parents will tell you, but they are constantly in my brain. I'm constantly back talking authority. I'm really stubborn; I hate change. I want things done my way. 

So the real reason I wanted to write this blog (sorry you're finding out a billion years later) is that I stumbled upon this verse the other day and it just hit me really hard:

“O Israel, my faithless people,
    come home to me again,
for I am merciful.
    I will not be angry with you forever.
¹³ Only acknowledge your guilt.
    Admit that you rebelled against the Lord your God
and committed adultery against him
    by worshiping idols under every green tree.
Confess that you refused to listen to my voice.
    I, the Lord, have spoken." 
~Jeremiah 3: 12-13

I have had many idols this semester: Grades, lust, desires, myself. I have turned away from God in many situations and refused to listen to His voice. I heard Him. Whenever I was in the middle of choosing between God and something else I heard His voice speaking softly to me to turn back to him. I didn't listen. I rebelled against the voice telling me not to do the things that would bring me temporary joy and happiness. I went to those idols anyway. It hurts now to think about all the times I chose something else over Him, and there have been times when I have wandered whether He will keep speaking to me and pursuing me when I constantly deny Him. 

That's one great thing about the Old Testament. Everyone reads about the Israelites and wonders why they would turned from God so many times when He brought them out of slavery, when He provided for them, when He performed miraculous wonders in front of them. I love the old testament because we are just like the Israelites; I know I am. God has proven himself over and over to me. He has brought me through so many things in my life. I know He's there, but I refuse Him and go to my idols anyways.

There is also another beautiful thing about the Lord's relationship with the Israelites.... He never stopping pursuing them. He never gave up on them. He never stopped LOVING them and longing for them to draw near to Him...

“My wayward children,” says the Lord,
    “come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts.”
~Jeremiah 3:22

Wayward. I got the gist of what this verse meant, but what exactly does wayward mean? So I looked up some synonyms:  willful, headstrong, stubborn, disobedient, rebellious

Rebellious....

My rebellious children, come back to me and I will heal your rebellious hearts. 

That hit home. Our God is so incredibly faithful, even when we are not. It's the beautiful story of grace. And it's real. When God asks us to come back to me so that he can heal our hearts, there is only one reply. And it just happens to come in the second part of verse 22:

“Yes, we’re coming,” the people reply,
    “for you are the Lord our God."

I am coming, for you are my God, my savior, my redeemer. My healer. 

The Truth About the Notebook

The Notebook. Book written by Nicholas Sparks and movie staring Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. Pretty much every girl has seen it or at least knows what it is, and I bet most of you guys are inwardly groaning right now. I myself have read the book as well as watched it multiple times just like other Nicholas Sparks books and movies.

Why do girls love it so much? I've been thinking about this a lot recently and I've come to this conclusion:

Because it affirms every girl's inward expectations for what guys should give us in relationships.

It's true. Every girl wants a guy who will longingly wait for her like Noah, or a guy who will stand by us through hard times like Landon. The list goes on and on. We idolize these relationships as perfect and yearn for guys just like in these movies and others like them. We dream of the day when our relationships will reflect the ones we see on screen.

The Notebook and other story lines like it are both absolutely true and absolutely misleading. You see ladies, there is someone who will love you inside and out. Who will pick you up when you fall. There is someone who knows you better than anyone else and who loves your stubbornness and your craziness and all of your faults. There is someone who will wait for you when you leave him for someone or something else. Who will constantly pursue you. There is someone who knows you intimately and passionately. Someone who loves you with the greatest and most sacrificial love that the world has ever seen.

But you won't find him in romance novels or movies or earthly relationships. His name is Jesus.

We want so badly to be loved and accepted, that we look for it in stories, rather than in God.

We want so badly to be loved PERFECTLY that we put those EXPECTATIONS on guys in our relationships. Girls, that is a place that your boyfriend was never meant to fill.

Your boyfriend was never meant to fulfill you. He was never meant to be your life or your everything. We have put unrealistic expectations on guys because we expect them to be perfect, we expect them to be God.

I was watching a Francis Chan video about Christ-centered relationships and something he said really struck me. Imagine that we are living in a fish tank of some sort. The only source of life or way to breathe is through an oxygen tank. Most relationships are based on one sole oxygen tank. Both people are fighting for it, for their life source, from the other person. We expect them to provide us with life and contentment as well as their own. We were never meant to be in relationship like that. We were meant to each have our own oxygen tank, where the air is provided by God. He gives us life and breath and contentment. He gives the other person their own oxygen tank where he gives them life and fulfillment. In abundance.

I cannot expect my boyfriend to provide my happiness and contentment. He can't. I can't expect him to always make me happy and fill me with joy. He can't. I can't. We were not made to be each other's life force and source of joy. Instead I was made to be completely and totally dependent on God. I was made to find my complete fulfillment and satisfaction and joy in Him. We were meant to love the Lord and serve him together as the body of Christ. But I cannot serve wholeheartedly in relationship if I'm trying to find my life in that relationship.

I am really bad at that. Somedays I find my attitude depending on his. If he's having a bad day and is slightly irritable, then my day goes bad. Somedays I create expectations that he doesn't meet and I get upset. It's the same for him. I know sometimes I drive him absolutely nuts and make him really frustrated. But that's not what it's about. I have to choose to find my identity in Christ every single day no matter what happens between us or what goes on that day. My joy and my happiness depend on my relationship with the Lord, not on my earthly relationships.

So is it okay to watch The Notebook? Sure. Absolutely. But just know that when you find yourself longing for that perfect love, you already have access to a love so much greater than you can ever imagine. A love that will satisfy you like nothing else ever will. God's unfailing love.

And don't put incredibly romantic and unreasonable expectations on the guys either. It makes them feel inadequate because we are searching for something from them that they can't give. It's amazing in itself how we convince them to take us to movies like that. Poor things. So for all my readers, here's a link to the Francis Chan video. It's amazing!!!

Christ-Centered Relationships

Confronted with Earthquakes

Disillusionment. I've never actually been in an earthquake but I would imagine that there is a lot of questioning going on right before it hits; when you feel the ground began to quake beneath your feet. When everything you thought you knew takes a turn for the worst and it begins to hit the surface. 

This was last semester for me in a nutshell. I thought I knew what was going on, I thought I had everything under control and all together. But then the ground started to shake beneath my feet and I couldn't handle it. I've confided in a few friends that last semester there was a lot of crying, a lot of questioning, and a whole lot of attitude that didn't belong there. I couldn't explain it, I just felt like a complete failure to myself, my friends, my family, and most of all to God. 

It wasn't until this Wednesday that I started to figure out what had happened. I went to the college worship service and our pastor explained some of the phases of life that we go through as Christians. Now I won't reteach the entire thing but I will tell you that it shed a lot of light and truth to what I went through last semester and what I am going through today. 

One of the times he described as an earthquake. An earthquake is when all of the junk that you've tried to push away comes back up to the surface and you just want to shove it back down and pretend that everything is okay. It when all of our sins and flaws come to the light and Satan tries to use that to guilt us into thinking that we are failures and that we are useless. That is exactly how I felt last semester. I just kept thinking of my sin and how unworthy I was to call myself a follower of Christ. Then I was confronted with more and more of my faults and all I could do was wallow in it. I couldn't even bring myself to pray anymore because I thought He was so disgusted with me that there was no way He could even look at me anymore. 

What a lie! 

 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~Romans 8:38-39

¹⁸ Where is another God like you,
    who pardons the guilt of the remnant,
    overlooking the sins of his special people?
You will not stay angry with your people forever,
    because you delight in showing unfailing love.
¹⁹ Once again you will have compassion on us.
    You will trample our sins under your feet
    and throw them into to depths of the Ocean! ~Micah 7:18-19

For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins. ~Colossians 1:13-14 

And these are only a few of many many more. But here is the best part. As our pastor pointed out, God doesn't just rock our world with an earthquake and then leave us there. We have been confronted with everything that we've have been trying to sweep under the rug as no big deal. We have been hit with the lies of Satan telling us we are not good enough. But it's all to realize that God is our Rock and our Salvation. He is the foundation beneath our feet. 

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand.When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” ~Matthew 7:24-27

Our house is built on a rock, not sand. We have nothing to fear. The earthquake will not overwhelm us as long as we hold fast to our refuge. 

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble.
² So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea.
³ Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! ~Psalms 46:1-3

The theme of this message was that along our journey, there is a river flowing beneath the surface. A river of the power and presence of God that we can tap into at anytime. As believers, we can access the living water of Christ. 

 On the last day, the climax of the festival, Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’”  ~John 7:37-38

During the "earthquake" I was so thirsty for a taste of the spirit. I wanted so much to feel his presence and his power wash over me and all my sin and shame. I felt so unstable, both emotionally and spiritually. It took me a long time to realize that God is my Rock and my Salvation. I didn't have to succumb to the shaking beneath my feet. We build our foundation, our faith, on His word and His truth. I never have to be thirsty for the Spirit is our living water that ALWAYS satisfies us.

I didn't want to be in the earthquake. I wanted to go back to the way things were and pretend everything was okay and that my sins were not a big deal. I didn't want to acknowledge all the junk that I had let build up beneath the surface. When everything finally came to light I wanted to go back into the darkness where I was still in control. Now, acknowledging and confessing my sins, I look back a realize how much I needed the Earthquake. All summer I could feel God nudging me and telling me that I had some problems that we needed to work out. I wouldn't listen. It took an earthquake, having to see everything coming at me at once, to see it. It was a painful realization, but I am so thankful that God was there with me. You see, the very crack that threatens to break you, God will send living water to fight against it. To fight against all the lies that Satan tries to throw at you, to fight against all the evil that threatens to overwhelm you. Even more so to partner with you to work through and fight against all the sins and the shame that keep you from His presence and His perfect will. 

That's where I am right now; partnering with the Spirit to try to clean house. It's a truly difficult and rewarding process but I'll have to save the details for another post. 

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

~Romans 15:13