The Year of Ashes

Most of the time I write my posts from the mountaintop. 

Now, at 2 in the morning, I write from the valley. It's a perfect picture of Ezekiel 37 in Clemson tonight. 

"The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry." Ezekiel 37:1-2

I am a mere skeleton. My flesh has worn away and I am completely open before the father. There is nothing I can hide behind anymore. Every sense of security I had has been burned away. All that's left is a pile of charred, dried up bones. 

I have dubbed this past year "The Year of Ashes".  Everything, every tree that I labeled as bearing "good" fruit was set ablaze. My relationship, my family, my friends, my future career, my morals, everything. On fire. Not all at once though. God knew I wouldn't be able to handle that. As the first tree set fire, he watched me carefully. He was waiting to see if I would turn to the fruit of the vine. Nope. I walked down my line and got my fruit from the next "good" tree. 

Then that one caught on fire from the first. 

This time I panicked. I ran to the next and jumped onto the limbs, wrapping my legs desperately around the trunk. As the roots started to turn black, I felt the sudden heat all around me. The smoke began to choke me and I let go, falling into the flames. Did that stop me? 

No. 

I ran, on fire, from tree to tree and watched hopelessly as they all burned to the ground. God, seeing that I was literally burning alive, called my name desperately and tried chasing me down. I ran further away from the vineyard. 

Into the valley of dry bones. 

Here, I can't hide from anyone. I have no skin to cover the heart of stone, no lips to fake a smile, no eye lids to unsee the sin. Yes, God sees me for who I am, but He always has. This time, I have to see it. I have to acknowledge what I've turned myself into. 

I have to accept that I didn't have to end up here. The fruit of the vine was there the entire time. Abundant life, peace, and joy were at my fingertips this entire year. I'm the one that chose not to partake in the feast. 

I'm writing this post in the valley because it's full of bones. And if you happen to be one of the skeletons lying here with me, I've got good news for you. Just read the rest of Ezekiel 37. 

He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath[a] enter you, and you will come to life.6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel.13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

I believe the first step to getting out of the valley is believing that the mountaintop exists. Right now I'm an anxious, depressed pile of scarred bones. But, I have full faith that the Lord will speak and his very breath will enter me, bringing me back to life just as it describes in this passage. He will attach tendons and flesh and skin that will not function to hide my scars, but display them, all healed, for his glory. Not only that, but I will stand with the rest of you as a holy army. Those slain by sin will be raised from death, redeemed, and brought back to life in Him. 

I haven't experienced it yet. I can't even see the mountaintop at 3 am. But I know for a fact, without a doubt, it's there. 

So for those of you in the valley, no matter how long your dry season has been, there is hope for your dry bones. All it takes is faith. 

In the Midst of the Storm

Ever since I was little, I've always been fascinated with storms. My mom used to sit on the doorstep, placing me in her lap, and we'd listen to the beat of the rain hitting the Earth. Even now, twenty-two, graduate student, and two states away from home, I still find myself opening the door and walking outside to find a dry spot to just sit, watch, and listen. 

Needless to say, storms don't scare me. Every time there was a tornado warning, my dad would put in the movie Twister - in some twisted sort of irony- and we would all gather on the couch while my mom watched the skies. When the tornadoes hit Alabama in 2011, we stood outside and watched one, two, three funnels circling mere miles away. This is usually the part where my friends give me the crazy looks. I can feel the judgement now. 

Yeah, storms don't scare me. 

In fact, when reading about how Jesus calmed the storm, I always rolled my eyes at the disciples. Yeah, I bet the storm was scary and I'm sure the boat wasn't super fancy or anything, but seriously? They had just watched him heal diseases and cast out demons and they're afraid of a storm? You're sitting in the boat with the Son of God! Man up. 

But, the truth is it was easy to say those things when I was just sitting outside, under the cover of my own front porch and watching the storm wreck havoc miles away. It was easy when the disciples were just floating along across the lake, talking about all the miraculous signs they had seen. Yet, when the thunder clouds rolled in, the waves roared and the lightening struck, they forgot everything. And I finally understand why. 

When the storm hits, guns blazing, you forget who's in the boat with you. 

This year, the storm hit hard. I had just graduated college and I was going to move six hours away from home where I didn't know a single soul. Instead of getting a job over the summer, I decided to stay home and help take care of my family. One family member was terminally ill, two others were fighting disease, and the rest of us were just trying to hold each other together. The storm of sickness is particularly hard because it's completely out of your control. And we, as humans, hate being helpless. We want to fix the ones we love. We want to make things better. We want to take measures into our own hands and try to control the circumstances around us. 

This storm did scare me. 

I have to admire the disciples for one thing. At least they called out for help. At least they recognized that Jesus could calm the storm if he wanted to. They may have been terrified at first, but they realized who else was in the boat very quickly.

The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" Matthew 8:25

I not only forgot Who was in the boat, I forgot someone else was in the boat period. My eyes only saw the lightening crash blindingly, barely missing the wood railing. The water rose and curled hundreds of feet above my head, threatening to consume me. The thunder roared in my ears and the winds pulled at my quivering form, ready to push me over the edge. 

I didn't see the hand reaching out for mine. The hand that belongs to the one who can walk on water, who can't be consumed by it (Matthew 14:22-33). The hand that belongs to the light of the world, who can't be blinded by mere lightening (John 8:12). The hand that belongs to the cornerstone, the rock of our salvation, who can't be moved by the wind (Ephesians 2:20, Psalm 18:2). 

The hand that may choose not to calm the storm, but the one who will guide you through it. The hand that was pierced in his own storm, the greatest one the world has ever known, so that he can be right next to you, in the boat, for eternity (Isaiah 53:5). 

The hand of Jesus Christ. 

I didn't see it. Instead, I tried to brave it by myself. But this storm was too strong for me and I found myself drowning in it. I was drowning in depression, withdrawing into myself, and lashing out on those closest to me, those I loved the most. 

Sometimes I wish God would pull a human dad move. You know when you're a kid and you're just making a mess all around you and your dad comes up, grabs you forcefully by the hand, and pulls you away? You probably threw a tantrum and got angry about it, but you couldn't see the bigger picture. You couldn't see the mess you were making or the danger you were about to stroll into. He could and he yanked you away. 

I think God does do that on occasion. How else can you explain Jonah?

Hey, you need to go to Nineveh. 

Um, no thank you. 

That's where you should be. 

Um, nope.

Okay. *Insert giant fish* 

I think I'd rather be pulled away by the hand than swallowed whole, but whatever works. 

Now there have been times in my life where I was doing something wrong and he has pulled me away by the hand, kicking and screaming. But, at least for me, it's more the exception than the rule. I'm stubborn and hard headed and chances are if I get dragged away, I'm going to fight it until I get back to where I was. God knows that. So instead, he constantly knocks on my heart and whispers in my ear. He lets me try to take control of the storm and do it without his help. He lets me make my messes. 

I'm right here. Just take my hand.

No, I can do this.

You don't have to do this alone. 

I got this. I don't need you. 

You weren't meant to bear this. You're hurting yourself. 

I'm fine. 

No, you're not.

He lets me use up my own strength until I'm spiritually, emotionally and physically exhausted. Until I'm cold from the constant battering of the waves and my body is aching from trying to stand against the wind. Until I'm brought to my knees from trying to carry the burden of the storm, the burden of the sickness, the burden of death, the burden of torn relationships, the burden of moving away from everything I know - the burden of the unknown. And then I do what everyone does when they've fallen down. 

I look up. 

He reaches down. "Cassidy, let it go."

I see his hand.  "I can't do this anymore." 

"I know beloved. Take my hand." 

"I've fallen too far down. I can't reach you."

And he bends down, his hand right in front of my face. And I see the holes there. "You are never too far down for me to pick you up."  

So I do what I should have done in the very beginning.

I reach out and take His hand. 

It's Time to Die (Forgiven and Free- Part 2)

Okay, so we're forgiven. We are no longer slaves to sin....awesome.

Now what?

I would love to say that once you've accepted His forgiveness, everything is good and you'll no longer struggle with that sin.

But I can't.

Which is why, to be completely honest, I've been putting off writing this blog.

Sometimes Christianity is portrayed as a prosperity gospel. "Add Jesus to your life and everything will get better. You'll be successful, you won't struggle, you'll be liked by everyone...yada, yada, yada."

Really?

Where in the bible did someone come out like that for following Christ? The apostles were either executed, crucified, hung, burned, beheaded, flayed, beaten, stoned, and one of them was exiled. They were hated and persecuted for believing in Christ as the Son of God just as many of the early Christians were.

I don't know about you, but to me that's not better. That's worse...waayyyyy worse.

Adding Jesus to your life doesn't make it easier, not if you're really in this thing. It makes it harder.

The reason I'm saying this is because I don't want my last post to mislead anyone. Yes, every sin is forgiven. Yes, God gives us grace upon grace. But, that doesn't mean we can keep on sinning and it definitely doesn't mean that the sin in our lives will automatically disappear.

It's been my experience that Christianity has become a "pray the prayer and go to church on Sunday" thing. That's how I've lived it out most of the time anyways. But, the more and more I read the bible, the more and more I look at how Jesus lived, how the apostles lived, and how the early Christians lived, I can't help but see a huge difference between their conversions and mine.

They changed radically.

It's crazy because Jesus even spells it out for us in the bible.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. Matthew 16:24-25

A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:25-27

We literally have to give up our lives. Our WHOLE lives. Every single bit of it. We have to die to ourselves to become a disciple. We have to sacrifice ourselves to be a true follower of Christ.

"You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved. Matthew 10:22

We will be hated.

How's that for a prosperity gospel?

Add Jesus to your life and you will be hated and you will have to die.

There's something you don't hear everyday.

When did Christianity become easy? When did we sugarcoat it so much that it became something that we can just throw into our day whenever we want? A little bit here, a little bit there, throw some good works and church in and everything's fine.

If you can't tell, I'm a little on edge. I've been struggling with how to combat sin all summer and I was really excited to be able to share it with you once I figured it out. Well, I know the answer now, but it's not the one I wanted to hear.

 I have to die.

 I don't want to. I don't want to give up my desires, my earthy dreams, my comforts. I don't want to surrender every area of my life to God.

But, that's what this is. It's living for something bigger than yourself. It's living your life for Him because he loved you first, because He sacrificed first, because He died first. And he did it for you.

God never promises that our lives will be easy. However, he does promise that He will be with us every step of the way, that He will carry our burdens, and that it will all be worth it.

"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." Psalm 55:22

"Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later." Romans 8:18

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

The truth is that being a Christian is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It will cost you everything. That's not something the pastor usually says at the invitation, but it is something Jesus said from the get go.

Thankfully, he didn't just end it there. Jesus came to give us an abundant, fulfilling life. So, while it won't be easy, it will be completely and utterly worth it. God created us so that nothing will satisfy us except Himself. I really love how CS Lewis phrases it:

In the next few posts I'll be hashing out what it looks like, in my life at least, to surrender. Battles will be fought and messes will be made, but most of all, God will be glorified. So what do you say?

It's time to die.

Forgiven and Free - Part 1

As Christians we are all familiar with the word forgiven. We have heard the words grace and redemption over and over again. So much so that sometimes, I wonder if we've lost what they actually mean. How much that actually cost. We always get told by our parents not to take things for granted. Can you take grace, forgiveness, and redemption for granted? I believe so.

I have been stuck in a cycle of sin for a long time. Over a year, even over two years. It has crippled me on the inside, though on the outside I look the same. It starts with desire, our own desire for pleasure, our own desire to be rebellious. Then it progresses to conception, birth, maturity and eventually death. As one of my favorite pastors, Neil McClendon says, "We have desires that can get so big and powerful they entice us and eventually kill us spiritually." Have you ever felt spiritual dying?

"Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death." James 1: 14-15

The bible has so many verses about our sinful selves. I almost lived in them this past year.

"Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God- truly righteous and holy." Ephesians 4:9

"We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus." Romans 6:6-11

I am no longer a slave to sin. I am free from its power. So why do I keep living in it?

"Deliberate sin shrinks the soul, wringing vitality from it. Shame is the lingering echo of a guilty conscious." -Douglas J

"What is the joy set before you that makes sin not as joyful?" - Neil McClendon.

Because I love the feeling sin gives me over obeying God. Because I seek temporary pleasure rather than eternal joy in Christ.

When you realize your stuck in a cycle of sin. When you realize that you're consistently choosing an idol over God, and disobeying him over and over again....what do you do?

Well, if you're me, you get stuck in a cycle of sin and guilt and shame.

I was so ashamed. I felt so unclean, so filthy, so dirty. I couldn't even bring myself to pray. How could He even look at me? When I blatantly, deliberately disobey Him. There was no way. I felt hopeless and unloved. So I continued further in sin because there was no way out.

You know, they teach you about grace and forgiveness your whole life. But let me tell you..

 It doesn't actually hit you until you realize how much you need it...

Until you realize how broken you actually are. Until you're on your face before the Lord knowing that there is nothing that makes you deserve His love. Nothing that made you worthy of His son's sacrifice. Until you realize how truly desperate you are and that you can do nothing apart from Him.

Then it's real.

"For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy. And the Holy Spirit also testifies that this is so. For he says, This is the new covenant I will make with my people on that day, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds. Then he says I will never again remember their lawless deeds." Hebrews 10:14-17

"He forever made perfect those who are being made holy."

When we accept Christ into our lives and make Him first, he makes us perfect. We are holy and blameless in his sight. Because when he looks at us, he sees the blood of Jesus. Not our sin. Our position in Christ is permanent. But, as with all things, sanctification is a process. We are being transformed day by day to be more like Christ, to be who God has called each of us to be. It's a messy process and we are going to mess it up a lot. But God has a reputation of taking our messes and turning them into something beautiful. And, as it says in the scriptures, he will carry His good work out to completion. Including our sanctification.

"For God's will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time." Hebrews 10:10

Once for all time. Jesus didn't just die for one sin. He died for EVERY sin. He died for every sin that you have ever committed and every sin that you ever will.

"From his fullness, we have all received grace upon grace." James 1:17

Grace upon grace. Let that sink in a moment.

"The more time we are a Christian, the less real grace becomes. If you take grace in vain, you lose joy in your life." - Neil McClendon

Stop and think. Of all the sin you have ever committed and all you ever will. It's washed away. We have been forgiven past, present, and future. Praise the Lord! Let us be joyful because our Lord has given us grace upon grace and has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west! How great and merciful and loving is our God?! How forgiving is He who will never again remember our lawless deeds?

1 John 1: 9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness."

Matthew 26:28 "for this is my blood, which confirms the covenant between God and his people. It is poured out as a sacrifice to forgive the sins of many."

Col 1:13-14 "For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins."

Romans 8:1 "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus."

We have already been forgiven. It's our choice whether or not we chose to receive it. "Repentance is what people who have already been forgiven practice" - Chris Brooks. We have already been forgiven.

Everyone can be forgiven for everything through Christ Jesus.

It's our decision to accept that forgiveness and then repent and turn away from our sin.

All those times when I couldn't bring myself to talk to Him. When the shame was crippling me from the inside out. When my sin was eating me alive....

He was right there saying "Come to me my wayward child, and I will heal your wayward heart." -Jeremiah 3:22. He was saying that He loved me, that He hurt with me, that He longed for me to draw near to Him.

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water." Hebrews 10: 19-22

I'm not perfect, I'm forgiven. I can go boldly before the father, having my guilty conscience cleansed with Christ's blood to make me clean. And, because I know grace and forgiveness, I can count Christ as the joy set before me. The joy that surpasses the pleasures of my sinful nature. It's not easy by any means, but "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.". I can't combat sin on my own, only with the power of God. And He will be by my side the whole way.

Look for part two coming up soon....

Again I say Rejoice: Letting go of worry

Anxiety and stress have been my constant companion for many years. My planner is filled with list of things to do and what I should get done each day. The minute the university put classes up for the next semester, I began planning my schedule. I've had my four years of college planned out since freshman year. That's what I do. I plan. I plan for everything; I want to know what I'm doing when and how long it will take.

Being organized is absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with writing down your homework so you won't forget, or making a to do list. It's when you want to be in control of your whole life that things get messy. As a planner, the unknown terrifies me. The future is one huge question mark that I can't pencil in. I can try to figure everything out: graduate, this grad school, this job, this kind of lifestyle, this kind of family life. 

But, there's this thing called life. 

It's unpredictable and spontaneous. 

It's beautiful and painful. 

And it doesn't follow your plan. 

Worry typically comes in the unknown. Worrying about a grade or a test in a class, worrying about the outcome of an interview, worrying about who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, your career, your relationships...the list goes on and on. The truth is that if we knew the outcome, we wouldn't be worried. If you knew for a fact you were going to get an A on the test, ace the interview, marry Suzy, get hired at such and such, be best friends with John forever, have a house and whatever else, why would you worry? You already know. 

But, we don't know. I began reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan a couple of days ago (I highly recommend it) and something he said in chapter two rocked my world. In the bible, it tells us 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

It doesn't just say "hey, you probably shouldn't worry. It's bad for your health." It say DO NOT be anxious about ANYTHING." The bible commands us not to worry. Wait a second God, you don't understand. I have so much I have to do right now. My life feels like it's falling apart, I don't know what's going to happen in this situation. I can't help but to worry. 

Here is another command from the bible. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Again, it doesn't end with rejoice only if everything is going according to plan in your life. It doesn't end with rejoice unless you're doing something really important. It says ALWAYS. Here is what Francis says....

"When I am consumed by my problems--stressed out about my life, my family, and my job--I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a "right" to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities." 

Ouch. To be honest, I have never really thought of it that way. Worry as disobedience. He also says this...

"Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small indeed." 

I don't know about anyone else, but I had to seriously take a step back when I read that. My worry is a lack of trust that God won't take care of me. 

That the God who created the universe, 

For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. Colossians 1:16

who knew me before I was born, 

The word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:4-5

who knows everything about me, 

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before,  and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalms 139: 1 - 6

who sent His only son to die for me so that I could have a relationship with Him, 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

who forgives my sins, 

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalms 103:12

who calls me daughter, beloved, his bride, his heir, his precious child

 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. . 1 John 3:1

whose love I cannot be separated from 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

That this God won't take care of me. 

Who do I think I am? Have I completely forgotten who God is? God holds the world, my life is in his hands. Why would I worry?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

He knows my future, he has plans for me that far surpass my own. What have I to be afraid of? 

 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10 

We have nothing to fear, nothing to be afraid of. Our God is so trustworthy, more than anyone on this Earth. What could we possibly have to worry about in this life? Our God will provide, he will satisfy, he will sustain, he will take care of our deepest needs and desires. Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will keep your paths straight. I know I've posted a ton of bible verses, but they just keep coming. And I know there's a reason for it. God has shown through scripture and in our lives today that he is GOOD, he is TRUSTWORTHY, he is CAPABLE, he is POWERFUL, and he is LOVE. How could he not take care of our worries? 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?" Matthew 6: 25 - 30 

I believe there there is nothing left to do but rejoice. I will say it again: REJOICE! Our God is for us. We have nothing to fear! Rejoice in the Lord. Be filled with joy, just as he rejoices over us..

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17 

Time to let go of the illusion of control, time to let go of the stress and worries of our lives and rest. Rest in God. Rest in his abounding grace and steadfast love. Quit worrying. Let go and let God. 

With Love

My Hero

Everyone has a hero. Someone they look up to, someone they depend on. Whether they're real or fiction. This person isn't perfect by any means, but they do the best they can with what they have and for some reason it stood out to you. 

Mine is my Grandaddy. He's no super hero; he doesn't wear a cape or fly around saving the world. But, in a way, he's saved me. If you ask my best friends who my hero is, they will definitely say my grandaddy. I tend to talk about him a lot.The first thing I always tell people about him is that he's a pastor. Then if I bring him up later they might say "oh yeah, he's a preacher right?" No, he's a pastor. You see, to me there's a load of difference. A preacher is just someone who comes and gives a sermon and then leaves. You can walk around in your hometown and find preachers on street corners giving sermons. I'm not saying preacher has a negative connotation, because it doesn't. My point is that a pastor is so much more than a preacher. If you look up preacher in Webster's dictionary you'll find the definitions of preach:

: to make a speech about religion in a church or other public place : to deliver a sermon

: to write or speak about (something) in an approving way : to say that (something) is good or necessary

: to write or speak in an annoying way about the right way to behave

If you look up pastor in the dictionary you'll find this: 

: a spiritual overseer

: a shepherd 

A pastor invests in his congregation. He invests in the lives of the people around him. He becomes their overseer, their shepherd. He is their guide. My Grandad didn't just preach on Sunday morning and Sunday night and leave. His time was spent visiting people in their houses, nursing homes and hospitals. It was spent calling members on the phone to see how they were doing, and serving them the best he could. I cannot recall a single time that I visited one of his churches that several people have not come up to me and told me what a blessing he was. When we go through the drive through at the bank he is greeted warmly with "Hey Brother Noman!", when we make a stop at the Piggly Wiggly he knows the teenagers that work there who also greet him the same way. It's like a epidemic. Everywhere we go when I'm visiting, somebody knows him. I've even come across people where I live now that remember him when he pastored here over twenty years ago. My grandad still keeps in touch with them. When he introduces me to the people at his church he tells me their names, the names of their children, what sport their children play, where they go to school, the list goes on and on. They aren't just faces to him. They are people, they are his flock whom he dearly loves. 

He is a servant. If I could describe him in one word, that would be it. He isn't happy unless he is busy helping someone. The joke around my house is if anything is broken just wait for his next visit so he'll have something to fix. He is constantly seeking out the needs of others and trying to meet them. Whether that be to help my brothers study for a bible exam or my mom fix the kitchen sink. It's a gift that he has been blessed with unlike anything I have ever seen. 

He lives it. There are a lot of people who can talk Christianity but don't actually walk it. Including myself. The truth is without my Grandaddy, I would probably think it was hopeless. I have never been surrounded by spiritual mentors: those who are older than me, who I can go to with questions and look up to on how to live out my life for Christ. When I look into my future I get scared because I don't have all the answers. I don't know what it's like to be headed by a spiritual leader so I have no idea what a biblical marriage relationship is supposed to look like. What does true sacrificial love look like? What is reckless abandon for the Lord? What does living a life of service and putting God first look like? I had no idea. However, in the last few years especially, I have seen all these things and more in the life of my hero. 

He is love. A few years ago tragedy stuck my family. My mema (his wife) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This hasn't been the first health issue she has had. For as long as I can remember she had daily migraines. I remember her never being able to go putt putt or the movies with us because her head always hurt. Then came strokes, and heart surgery, and finally her memory. It has gotten progressively worse. Now she can barely utter words, and she can't function without constant care 24-7. It is heartbreaking to watch, but it is also beautiful. My grandad still looks at her as if she is the most beautiful woman in the world. When he walks in the room he still greets her with "sweetheart" and kisses her cheek. He has given up freedom to be her caretaker and feed her and bathe her. 

He gave up being a pastor. 

When she got worse he decided that instead of going ahead and putting her in a nursing home, he would retire and take care of her until he was no longer able to do so. When asked about it my grandad commented that she had to put up with so much more from him. After all, he didn't plan to be a pastor when they got married. How could he not be there for her when she was there for him? Sacrificial love. Biblical marriage relationship. 

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.  

1st Corinthians 13:4-8

If there is any kind of love that mirrors that verse, it is the love my grandad has for my mema. It is the love he has for my family. It is the love he has for the people around him. He means so much that his congregation still cooks for him and brings him meals twice a week. When we went down there for Christmas around five couples came with enough dishes to feed us for two weeks if we wanted. You see, I don't think he will ever give up pastoring. He will always be a shepherd; even if it's just for me and my brothers. He will always serve those around him and visit people in houses, nursing homes, and hospitals when he can. He will always be someone that others can look to for guidance. He will always be a spiritual leader. He will always be a servant of God. 

And he will always be my hero. 

My Wayward Child

Today I became a junior at the University of Alabama. Ahhh!!!! That's both so exciting and so scary at the same time. Scary in the sense that I don't want to grow up. I never have. I don't want to take on new responsibilities and have so much depending on me. For a girl who has been set on and being independent my whole life, I'm really not very comfortable with it. The thought of being out on my own, outside of the world of academia scares the crap out of me. 

Yet, it's also exciting. I'm halfway done with college! I've made it! I'm alive! Maybe, an overstatement, but yo college is for real. Especially when you're a CS major who never programmed before freshman year. I didn't even know what programming was my senior year of high school. Heh. My, how things have changed. 

Sophomore year is done; it's finished and there's no going back. So you know what that means....time for another cliche "what I've learned this year" blog. Sorry ya'll, but reflection is cleansing sometimes. 

IDENTITY

For so long my identity was laid on my grades and the approval of others. When I received bad grades, or I thought other people didn't like me I was immediately crushed. God has graciously stripped me of some of that this year. My school standing has always been my rock; it's what I've always been good at. When that began to shake, I felt like my world was falling to pieces. 

I don't have to work for approval anymore. My identity is not based on anything of this world but on God. My identity is daughter of the living God. I am HIS. My relationship with him is not based on anything I do. It's not a wage to be earned but an inheritance to be RECEIVED.  My acceptance is not performance based; that's slavery. What God offers is freedom in Christ. 

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.Now we call him, “Abba, Father." For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. ~Romans 8:14-15

DEPENDENCY

We were NOT created to be independent! This statement about knocked me over the head during spring retreat this year. My whole life, I have been striving to be independent. To be able to rely on my own strength and not need the help of others. To do things my way. My dad has raised me with the goal on being self-sufficient. We are both wrong. The truth is we were meant to be COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY dependent on the Lord. I mean it makes sense now that you think about it. He provides all of our needs, our joy, our contentment, even our very breath. He's the only reason we are breathing at this very moment. It's intuitive, but so incredibly hard to live out in today's world that strives for independence and rebellion. But, it's even more than that. We were created to be dependent on each other. To carry each others burdens and encourage each other. God never meant for us to try to do life alone. He made us for community. This still completely blows my mind. 

REDEMPTION

This year has also been a year of getting to know myself and my tendencies. I tend to be rebellious. When I'm told to do something, my immediate reaction on the inside is no. Over the years I've learned to quiet my rebellious thoughts because I was quite the smart mouth as a child and my parents would punish me whenever I let one of my comments out. They still come out every once in a while as my parents will tell you, but they are constantly in my brain. I'm constantly back talking authority. I'm really stubborn; I hate change. I want things done my way. 

So the real reason I wanted to write this blog (sorry you're finding out a billion years later) is that I stumbled upon this verse the other day and it just hit me really hard:

“O Israel, my faithless people,
    come home to me again,
for I am merciful.
    I will not be angry with you forever.
¹³ Only acknowledge your guilt.
    Admit that you rebelled against the Lord your God
and committed adultery against him
    by worshiping idols under every green tree.
Confess that you refused to listen to my voice.
    I, the Lord, have spoken." 
~Jeremiah 3: 12-13

I have had many idols this semester: Grades, lust, desires, myself. I have turned away from God in many situations and refused to listen to His voice. I heard Him. Whenever I was in the middle of choosing between God and something else I heard His voice speaking softly to me to turn back to him. I didn't listen. I rebelled against the voice telling me not to do the things that would bring me temporary joy and happiness. I went to those idols anyway. It hurts now to think about all the times I chose something else over Him, and there have been times when I have wandered whether He will keep speaking to me and pursuing me when I constantly deny Him. 

That's one great thing about the Old Testament. Everyone reads about the Israelites and wonders why they would turned from God so many times when He brought them out of slavery, when He provided for them, when He performed miraculous wonders in front of them. I love the old testament because we are just like the Israelites; I know I am. God has proven himself over and over to me. He has brought me through so many things in my life. I know He's there, but I refuse Him and go to my idols anyways.

There is also another beautiful thing about the Lord's relationship with the Israelites.... He never stopping pursuing them. He never gave up on them. He never stopped LOVING them and longing for them to draw near to Him...

“My wayward children,” says the Lord,
    “come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts.”
~Jeremiah 3:22

Wayward. I got the gist of what this verse meant, but what exactly does wayward mean? So I looked up some synonyms:  willful, headstrong, stubborn, disobedient, rebellious

Rebellious....

My rebellious children, come back to me and I will heal your rebellious hearts. 

That hit home. Our God is so incredibly faithful, even when we are not. It's the beautiful story of grace. And it's real. When God asks us to come back to me so that he can heal our hearts, there is only one reply. And it just happens to come in the second part of verse 22:

“Yes, we’re coming,” the people reply,
    “for you are the Lord our God."

I am coming, for you are my God, my savior, my redeemer. My healer.