My Wayward Child

Today I became a junior at the University of Alabama. Ahhh!!!! That's both so exciting and so scary at the same time. Scary in the sense that I don't want to grow up. I never have. I don't want to take on new responsibilities and have so much depending on me. For a girl who has been set on and being independent my whole life, I'm really not very comfortable with it. The thought of being out on my own, outside of the world of academia scares the crap out of me. 

Yet, it's also exciting. I'm halfway done with college! I've made it! I'm alive! Maybe, an overstatement, but yo college is for real. Especially when you're a CS major who never programmed before freshman year. I didn't even know what programming was my senior year of high school. Heh. My, how things have changed. 

Sophomore year is done; it's finished and there's no going back. So you know what that means....time for another cliche "what I've learned this year" blog. Sorry ya'll, but reflection is cleansing sometimes. 

IDENTITY

For so long my identity was laid on my grades and the approval of others. When I received bad grades, or I thought other people didn't like me I was immediately crushed. God has graciously stripped me of some of that this year. My school standing has always been my rock; it's what I've always been good at. When that began to shake, I felt like my world was falling to pieces. 

I don't have to work for approval anymore. My identity is not based on anything of this world but on God. My identity is daughter of the living God. I am HIS. My relationship with him is not based on anything I do. It's not a wage to be earned but an inheritance to be RECEIVED.  My acceptance is not performance based; that's slavery. What God offers is freedom in Christ. 

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.Now we call him, “Abba, Father." For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. ~Romans 8:14-15

DEPENDENCY

We were NOT created to be independent! This statement about knocked me over the head during spring retreat this year. My whole life, I have been striving to be independent. To be able to rely on my own strength and not need the help of others. To do things my way. My dad has raised me with the goal on being self-sufficient. We are both wrong. The truth is we were meant to be COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY dependent on the Lord. I mean it makes sense now that you think about it. He provides all of our needs, our joy, our contentment, even our very breath. He's the only reason we are breathing at this very moment. It's intuitive, but so incredibly hard to live out in today's world that strives for independence and rebellion. But, it's even more than that. We were created to be dependent on each other. To carry each others burdens and encourage each other. God never meant for us to try to do life alone. He made us for community. This still completely blows my mind. 

REDEMPTION

This year has also been a year of getting to know myself and my tendencies. I tend to be rebellious. When I'm told to do something, my immediate reaction on the inside is no. Over the years I've learned to quiet my rebellious thoughts because I was quite the smart mouth as a child and my parents would punish me whenever I let one of my comments out. They still come out every once in a while as my parents will tell you, but they are constantly in my brain. I'm constantly back talking authority. I'm really stubborn; I hate change. I want things done my way. 

So the real reason I wanted to write this blog (sorry you're finding out a billion years later) is that I stumbled upon this verse the other day and it just hit me really hard:

“O Israel, my faithless people,
    come home to me again,
for I am merciful.
    I will not be angry with you forever.
¹³ Only acknowledge your guilt.
    Admit that you rebelled against the Lord your God
and committed adultery against him
    by worshiping idols under every green tree.
Confess that you refused to listen to my voice.
    I, the Lord, have spoken." 
~Jeremiah 3: 12-13

I have had many idols this semester: Grades, lust, desires, myself. I have turned away from God in many situations and refused to listen to His voice. I heard Him. Whenever I was in the middle of choosing between God and something else I heard His voice speaking softly to me to turn back to him. I didn't listen. I rebelled against the voice telling me not to do the things that would bring me temporary joy and happiness. I went to those idols anyway. It hurts now to think about all the times I chose something else over Him, and there have been times when I have wandered whether He will keep speaking to me and pursuing me when I constantly deny Him. 

That's one great thing about the Old Testament. Everyone reads about the Israelites and wonders why they would turned from God so many times when He brought them out of slavery, when He provided for them, when He performed miraculous wonders in front of them. I love the old testament because we are just like the Israelites; I know I am. God has proven himself over and over to me. He has brought me through so many things in my life. I know He's there, but I refuse Him and go to my idols anyways.

There is also another beautiful thing about the Lord's relationship with the Israelites.... He never stopping pursuing them. He never gave up on them. He never stopped LOVING them and longing for them to draw near to Him...

“My wayward children,” says the Lord,
    “come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts.”
~Jeremiah 3:22

Wayward. I got the gist of what this verse meant, but what exactly does wayward mean? So I looked up some synonyms:  willful, headstrong, stubborn, disobedient, rebellious

Rebellious....

My rebellious children, come back to me and I will heal your rebellious hearts. 

That hit home. Our God is so incredibly faithful, even when we are not. It's the beautiful story of grace. And it's real. When God asks us to come back to me so that he can heal our hearts, there is only one reply. And it just happens to come in the second part of verse 22:

“Yes, we’re coming,” the people reply,
    “for you are the Lord our God."

I am coming, for you are my God, my savior, my redeemer. My healer.